Thanks Mom

Life. The amazing mystery of our existence. You can plan and strategize and have it all figured out but if there's one thing that always proves to be true it's that no one ever really knows what's going to happen in life. And when something does happen, we tend to try and explain and normalize it. If something goes right, we celebrate it, knowing we must have done something to have set us up for success. If something goes wrong, maybe we messed up, but more than likely it was someone else's fault...right? When we see someone get a new job, get married, start a family, buy a house, get a new car, we accept it as normal because that's what's 'supposed to happen'. When we see someone face hardship, we feel for them but also are secretly glad it wasn't us. While we're sorry to see it happen, we also think that it will never happen to us.

This past year of pandemic life has taught us all a lot about shared hardship. In most crises, we either are directly impacted by them or we see them on the news, maybe deciding to get involved and do something to help. But with this pandemic, if you're a human, there's no escaping this one and going about your daily life after making a donation or volunteering for a couple days. All of our lives have been upended, no matter what city, state, or even country you live in. Even then, it somehow still doesn't seem real. You read about the numbers of cases, hear about the impacts of the virus on people, and watch the death count climb by the thousands every day, just in the US alone. But, if it doesn't strike one of your family members or someone else you love, you aren't truly impacted on a deeper, personal level. That is, until one day, when it does.

For those who have known me for a while and have really gotten to know me, you'll know that my childhood is a tale of two different eras. I had always known that my mom had Multiple Sclerosis (MS) throughout my life, but it never really affected anything as far as I could tell. My elementary school years were spent like most of my peers, living a 'normal' childhood with my dad going to work, my mom taking care of the kids, and me going to school and having fun with friends. But then sometime during middle school, everything changed. My mom slowly lost the ability to walk, talk, and function in daily life in the way that she always had done. At some point, it got to where the best thing for her was to be in a nursing home, where she would have expert care 24/7. I feel like I didn't fully understand what that meant at the time and why that was so different, other than knowing that if I wanted to attend after-school programs, go to church events, or visit my friends, I would need a ride from someone else. I learned how to grocery shop, cook, clean, and do anything thing else that was needed when it was my sister, dad, and I, and even more so when my sister headed off to college. I was reminded of what was missing much more strongly when I got to college and I saw my friends with their parents around, visiting on parents weekend and doing various fun activities together. By the time I graduated and started into my post-college life, my mom being in a nursing home was so familiar to me that I didn't even think about that being unusual until someone would ask me about my parents, I would share, and they would look at me with empathy. Over the years, my response to it was simply that I was used to it and she was in the best place she could be, with me and others visiting her regularly. My memories of her playing an active role in my life began to fade as I crossed the threshold of her having spent more of my life in the nursing home than out. 

Out of the memories I do have of my mom, most of them remind me of who she once was. I remember her working away at her sewing machine for hours, making yet another costume for me to wear on Halloween. I remember her encouraging my love for the Titanic, gifting me one book after another, recording documentaries playing on TV, and specifically, telling me that the Titanic movie wasn't like the documentaries and that I needed to wait until I was older to watch it. I remember her volunteering at VBS at my childhood church, helping other kids with whatever was needed while I felt cool because my mom was one of the people in charge. I remember sitting on the couch on my birthdays and at my specific spot next to the Christmas tree, tearing open numerous gifts from her and my dad and 'Santa', while she recorded it all on what now seems like a giant camcorder. But, I also remember her taking my sister and me on trips to the library, the mall, and even on my first plane ride to visit her mom in Erie, PA. I remember her holding my hand and telling me it would be ok as she and I laid across from each other on stretchers in the ambulance on our ride to the hospital after a terrible car accident. I remember her tucking me in at night, singing A Bushel and a Peck and reading the kids book Love You Forever. And my very earliest memory is from she laid me down for a nap one day inside of my kids play tent in the corner of my bedroom and slowly walked out of the room, telling me she loved me.

Over the last several years, my interactions with my mom were a bit of a challenge. I would visit her and often would only have a few big updates to share, having to carefully navigate telling her about my adventures while not upsetting her by reminding her of the things she could no longer do. My favorite visits were on Thanksgiving morning when she and I would watch the Macy's parade together, something we used to do when I was a kid. The best visits were those I made with my brother and his family, as his kids would run around playing, entertaining my mom and themselves. My last regular visit with her before COVID was at the end of 2019 when I once again came looking for her loving guidance. I asked what I should do with my life, with me sitting there in despair, yet again helplessly indecisive as to what to do while she looked back at me tearfully, knowing she didn't have much to offer and simply saying "you'll figure it out". Little did I know just how much 2020 had in store for me in regards to doing just that.

On the weekend that everything changed last March, I was supposed to go visit my mom. One of the first ways I discovered what was to come was when I called the nursing home just to check before I stopped by and I was told that no visitors were allowed effective immediately. In a place like that where everyone is a high-risk patient, no one was taking any chances. This meant that my interactions with her over the months ahead would be via phone call, but I thought surely I'd be able to join her by the time the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade happened. As anyone can probably guess, that did not happen. When December came and the vaccines were announced, I realized that my mom would be among the first to get it due to her age and health conditions. After months of worrying about whether the virus would find its way into the nursing center, it seemed that we were almost at the finish line. I received word from my brother within the first few days of the new year that she had received the first dose of the vaccine and we just had to wait a couple of weeks for the second dose and then a couple more for it to be fully effective and we would be in the clear. A few days after that, I found out that she tested positive for COVID but was asymptomatic, so she was quarantined but there weren't any issues. 

I was working my way through another Friday on January 22nd, catching up on some of the work that had been set aside as I watched the inauguration a couple days before. My phone rang and I saw it was my brother so I figured I'd call him back when I was free. A few minutes later, my phone went off again, once again with my brother calling me. This time I answered and found out that my mom developed symptoms the night before and her oxygen levels dropped off, leaving her unresponsive. Knowing that we would be exposing ourselves but doing whatever we could to see her, my brother and I both immediately headed to the nursing center to see her. It turns out that in those situations they make short time period visitor exceptions, rapid testing you and covering you in several pieces of protective gear before you can enter. When we got there, she was more responsive and we were able to have a short conversation, with my brother and I doing all of the talking. My brother shared about his kids and I shared about my month-long stay in Vermont in 2020 and after half an hour we headed out, not knowing what would come next. While my brother's outlook was mixed, I drove home being my usual optimistic self, thinking that I had seen her bounce back from so many health issues over the years that this was just the latest one that we would be shaking our heads at in no time. 

Unfortunately, that turned out not to be the case this time. I woke up the next morning to a call from my brother, telling me that she was gone. When I first heard it, I didn't know what to think or how to feel. It felt like just another strange update regarding her health, not the end of the story. As the day went on, I started to realize what it all meant. After years of visiting her through countless health issues, COVID was really the final straw? After years of going to visit her in the nursing center, suddenly there was no longer someone there for me to go see? I'm not married yet, but my future wife will never meet my mom? My kids won't know one of their grandmothers? People across my new community that I've become a part of since I had my last real visit with her at the end of 2019 showed an outpouring of support, asking me to let them know if I needed anything and bringing me food for over a week. But the reality was, I knew what I really needed was something that no other person could provide.

My sister and her husband came out from Seattle, quarantining and getting tested before joining the rest of the family for a few days, with all of us together at my brother's place. We just so happened to have the biggest snowstorm of the season that Sunday, leading to my sister and I, along with her husband and my niece and nephew, having a snowball fight the likes of which we hadn't had since we were kids. I even spent a few hours building a snow tunnel for the kids to crawl through, remembering the time that my sister and I had the same one time when we were little. Although her funeral was originally scheduled for Monday, it was pushed back to Wednesday due to the weather, leading to us spending a few days together reminiscing about my mom and playing some games together. Apparently, my mom used to always be late to things growing up, so much so that her mom told her she'd be late to her own funeral one day, which funnily enough ended up being true. 

The day of her funeral came and it was of course a hard one. The service was just those of us who had been at my brother's place, presided over by a long-time family friend pastor. The drive to her gravesite across town was a special one, as we had a police escort and drove by the library, the park, and finally, the church that I mentioned before that she used to take us to long ago. It turned out that the burial plot itself was right next to a couple that also used to play a large role in the VBS activities at church. When we got back to my brother's place, we shared memories of my mom and went through some of the massive amounts of pictures she took over the years. I even recalled that she had held many of the records in a PS1 snowboarding game she played when I was a kid, Cool Boarders 2, and it turns out that I still have the game and the memory card with her records saved on it.

But, the next day came and I headed back home. Things have moved on and I've gotten back to focusing on the many plans I have for the year ahead. It's been a month since her passing but it still doesn't quite feel real. It's a strange feeling because she wasn't able to be an active part of my life for so long, yet I always knew that if I wanted to call or visit the nursing home, she would be there. But, the good news is it's brought up memories I haven't thought of in years and it seems that it may just bring my siblings and I closer together in a new way.

The challenge in processing all of this has been that while of course, this loss is personal, we also just marked 500,000 deaths due to COVID in the US alone, and she was just one of them. As I've shared this story with others, many of them have responded that it's been a bit of a wake-up call for them in regards to taking the pandemic seriously. If it serves a positive purpose in that regard, then I'm glad. We're finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel in all of this but, despite our collective pandemic fatigue as we approach one year of our lives being this way, we have to keep at it to prevent as many similar stories as possible. Stay strong, stay safe, maybe give your loved ones a call and tell them you love them, and we'll get through to the end of this together.

Me and my mom on a pedal boat on her dad's lilac farm

My siblings and I with my mom and her sister

Visiting my mom's mom in Erie, PA

I have always loved trains...

Thanks, mom, for everything. I'll love you forever.

What Can We Do But Trust

     It's no secret that COVID-19 has changed our lives. In some ways the changes are temporary, and in other ways they may be permanent. The unique experience that this pandemic has been for all of humanity is that no one really saw it coming. We joke about us having plans for the year just to watch them be wiped out by this virus. I certainly did not write that I would be staying home for months as a part of my 2020 goals. But, there's an underlying and unifying trait to this whole situation. Through the actions that have been taken, the research that's been done, the global disruption we've experienced, something has shown to be more important than ever. And that something is trust.

     Now, trust is something that we all do every day, but we don't often consciously consider it. We trust that when we step outside and go for a drive that the gas-powered machine we're riding in won't explode and that those around us have been properly trained. When we go to work, we trust that we'll get paid and that the money we're earning will be worth something more than paper bills and plastic cards. We trust that the cookies our friend made us are safe to eat and that maybe they even taste good. Our modern societies are built on trust and without it, we would live in constant anxiety and fear, needing to live off the grid in some remote part of the world.

     This pandemic, however, has exposed just how critical trust is during a time of crisis, and has led to us questioning others in ways we hadn't before. When top health officials say that there's a deadly virus spreading globally and advise you to wear a mask and stay away from others for safety, do you trust them? When your governor tells you to stay at home and orders non-essential businesses to close, do you trust that they're doing what's best? When there's unending division created by a president when they make one statement after another that's not supported by factual or evidence-based sources, who do you trust? When you go to the store, a routine act not long ago, do you trust that others are doing their part to keep you safe? Or are you trusting that there's nothing to worry about and are proceeding as normal? These past few months have shown us that trust is more of a question than a certainty, as we've all had to reconsider aspects of what had been our daily lives.

     As a man of faith, I know that whatever happens here on Earth, God does not change and that he can always be trusted. There are many verses about trusting God, but one that is well known and stands out during this pandemic is Proverbs 3:5, which says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." This one has two key elements to it, with the second half being what not to do and the first half being what to do instead. This strange, invisible phenomenon makes it look like nothing is wrong, and yet the world is in crisis. It is critical for us to remember that we cannot rely on our own understanding of the current situation to know how to act. So, what do we do when even the experts are only able to make recommendations based on the information available, while openly admitting that there are so many unknowns? We turn to God and trust in Him, knowing that He's not surprised by this and that His understanding is far beyond anything we as humans know. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and trusting in an almighty God in our relationship with Him is no different, now or ever.

     Just as it does anytime that it's lost, rebuilding trust beyond this pandemic is going to take time. There's simply no way around the fact that it will require a lot of effort and concrete corrective actions for us to trust in the things that were normal not long ago. It's going to take time for us to trust that riding public transportation or eating in a restaurant is safe again. It will take effort for us to trust sending our children to school and for people to return to the office in mass. One of the hardest challenges we face is that it's going to take time for us to trust having physical contact with our friends and families again. But as always, trust can be re-built. It will take our individual actions, as well as guidance from the experts. But, we can be hopeful in knowing that there will be normal life beyond this and we can trust in knowing that together, we can get there.

     So, now that we know that trust is key to our daily lives and is especially needed if we are to return to any sense of normalcy, where do we go from here? Truly, it has to start with each one of us. In the same way that the pandemic has been slowed and lives have been saved by our individual actions, that have combined to create a global response, it's going to take the same kind of mindset for us to trust again. Trust that while you don't know what's best to do, there are people out there working tirelessly to try and come up with the answers. Trust that your actions matter and that by following the advice of those with the greatest expertise, you're doing your part to overcome this crisis. And trust that just as you want to have some idea of when this will be over so that you can get back to normal life, so does everyone else around the world. Ultimately, whatever life brings our way, through all of the highs and lows, what can we do but trust?

2018: The Year of Exploration

2018's Tune of the Year, from the new artist duo made up of Ciaran McAuley and Roxanne Emery, Holy Waters, this is Amsterdam, the Amir Hussain Remix.

ex·plo·ra·tion

/ˌekspləˈrāSH(ə)n/

noun: the action of traveling in or through an unfamiliar area in order to learn about it.

        Here we are, once again. It's time to start a new year, one that holds the promise of new opportunities, challenges, and a whole lot of unknowns. But before diving fully into what comes next, I feel it's always a good idea to reflect on what has been. This is my sixth year-in-review blog post and it's something I look forward to, as I write down my final thoughts on the year gone by and commit fully to what lies ahead. 

        Looking at my 2018, it was one of exploration on many fronts. This started right away with the prep for and launch of the massive episode 50 of my For the Soul show. I knew I wanted to make this event a true landmark, so I decided to change my artist name from DJ Adaman to Frost, which is much more professional and fits my love of winter well. With the help of a few key friends, I was also able to update my official show and artist logos, add in voiceovers beyond my own, and I had an interview with the guy who has supported the show with his guest mixes since the early days. It's hard to believe that episode 60 will be released in a couple weeks, marking 5 years of me producing this monthly show. And while I didn't perform a live DJ show in 2018 as I had hoped, I practiced mixing live sets and I look forward to playing a live show soon. As always, trance music continues to be a core part of me and the lifeblood that keeps me going amidst the madness of this world.

        My next area of exploration came with my work, but not in the sense that I got a new job. I decided in the first couple months of the year to enroll in a program with an organization called Mission Collaborative, through which I spent 5 weeks deep diving into who I am, what my strengths are, and what's a good fit for me for my career. I left the program with solid connections, a deeper self-understanding, and ultimately a path to aim for as my next step. Although I haven't taken that step yet, I did make a step up by earning a promotion in my current organization. My career will be a major area of focus in 2019, but I know that many of the incremental actions that I took in 2018 have prepared me to make my next move.

        The biggest areas of exploration for my came in exploring more of the good ol' US of A. Immediately following my work's annual conference, I took a two-week solo trip out west and it was incredible and new in so many ways. My first stop was Denver, where I spent 5 days with one of my Navs mentors from undergrad, Nick, his wife Age, and their dog Procy. We kicked the visit off by going to a Rockies game, where I got to watch the sun set behind the mountains, which was quite the site. During the rest of my time there, I visited Navs HQ, checked out the house of the famous Titanic survivor Molly Brown, enjoyed a day at Elitch Gardens theme park, saw the Denver Mint in action, summitted Mount Evans, rode the historic Georgetown Loop train, and celebrated the Caps Stanley Cup victory. After Denver, I headed further west, out to San Francisco. During my 4 days there, I walked the Golden Gate Bridge, stood in awe of the massive redwood trees at Muir Woods, ventured through Alcatraz, rode the historic cable cars, and had a blast at an antique arcade where I even made a friend who was also solo exploring. But even after all that, I still wasn't done, as I then headed just a bit east and spent 3 days exploring the Las Vegas strip and some of the areas beyond it. My first day was spent taking a bus tour out to the Grand Canyon, and I have to say, it was the most surreal experience with nature I've ever had. Having just been up at 14k feet on Mount Evans a week earlier, seeing what looked like a massive inversed mountain range was simply breathtaking. For my two remaining days in Vegas, I checked out the fake Eiffel Tower, explored the Mob Museum and the surrounding original downtown Vegas area, enjoyed a series of shows, tested my luck in the casinos, and, of course, checked yet another Titanic-related goal off my list by visiting an incredible artifact exhibit, one that included an actual piece of the great ship's hull. Overall, I learned a great deal about myself and I had a blast packing my days with everything I could at each location, challenging myself to get it all done. 

Nick and I making the pilgrimage to Navs HQ, home to the organization that brought us together in undergrad

The view from 14k feet at the summit of Mount Evans

Golden Gate glory

Standing on the edge of the sheer vastness that is the Grand Canyon

Welcome to Vegas

        As the fall came, the months seemed to roll by. There were a few major events, one being my volunteering for Washingcon, a weekend board game convention in Georgetown that was packed with more games and players in one room than I had ever seen. In October, I went to a panel event at the National Geographic museum that was led by the man who discovered the Titanic back in 1985, Dr. Robert Ballard. I have to say, after having seen him in countless documentaries from my childhood on, getting to meet him face to face and have him sign two of his Titanic books that my mom got for me for Christmas when I was 7, was unreal. It's a strange feeling, having just about completed all of my childhood Titanic related goals over these past few years, but there are still a couple of major ones left that will be the hardest to complete of them all. 

Meeting the Titanic discoverer himself, Dr. Robert Ballard

        Finally, my favorite month, December, came and it was packed from start to finish. I took another solo trip, this time down to Orlando, where I saw all of the major attractions beyond the Disney World experience that Tyler and I did a few years ago. This included checking out both Universal parks, convincing myself that it was fine to be at the Aquatica water park in December with Christmas music playing, trying to accomplish way more than I possibly could in a day at the Kennedy Space Center, and finally, enjoying one show after another with various sea creatures at Sea World. Upon returning home, I shifted into Christmas mode, making all of my usual goodies while watching my favorite holiday movies. With the way things were this year, my main Christmas activities happened the first weekend of January of 2019, but I did enjoy an afternoon of lunch and a movie with my dad on Christmas day. I closed out 2018 with Tyler, who visited for a few days. During his visit, we made a St. Mary's stuffed ham, spent time with my church buddies, and traveled down to the county to attend both of my usual New Year's Eve parties. I'm sad to say that after reclaiming my Serb's New Year's Eve spoons crown last year, this time I was knocked out at 5th place, ensuring that I'll be back next year to try to reclaim the crown once again.

The Harry Potter castle at Universal, transformed by an incredible Christmas themed projection show at night.

The Kennedy Space Center...notice how their sign matches my theme?

Space Shuttle Atlantis on full open display at the KSC

Dolphins at Sea World

Waiting for someone to toss him more fish, which people were paying for the ability to do

The whales say hello

Manatees...they're basically underwater blimps

        Through all of these experiences and others that I haven't written about here, 2018 truly was a year of exploration for me, both internally and externally. I'm taking a solid step into 2019, ready for change in so many ways, with written S.M.A.R.T. goals to make it all happen. I have a feeling this next year will truly expand my understanding of a lot of things. As always, I believe it's important to reflect back and remember how one got to where they are. I'm hopeful that we as a country, and really, as a world, can reflect on this past year and use it as the fuel to take progressive steps forward into a future that's focused on love rather than hate, and to pursue what's right and true when so much seems to be wrong and filled with lies. But, one thing I've learned from reading various books, and my understanding of how life works, is that hope alone is not a strategy. In order to improve and grow in any of our lives, we must proactively take steps to do so, working as though it depends on us while praying as though it depends on God. So, remember that while reflecting on your past and looking towards your future is critical in building the life that you want to have, you have to start somewhere, and that often is with just a thought.

Saving Christianity from Evangelicalism

        Today's society seems to be filled with unending outrage. Every day there's another headline to be enraged by, another injustice on clear display, and another series of questions regarding how we got here. Unending issues dominate our thoughts, our actions, and our prayers as we all wrestle with handling them in our own way. Something that has become more clear through this in recent times is that it's not simply that we have different opinions or believe different actions should be taken. It's more so that we genuinely have different ideas of what reality is and how we view it, which is leading us to re-evaluate how we view one another. One demographic that may seem like it could be immune to such confusion and struggle are Christians. After all, we're focused on the gospel, spreading the love and good news of Jesus, and aiming to become more Christ-like, right? Unfortunately, this simply is not the case and it's causing many to look somewhere other than the church to find the truth, biblical or otherwise.

        From a broad perspective, I believe a large part of the attendance challenges being faced by churches comes from generational differences. While much has been written about the mixed and short-lived success of attracting newer generations with 'hip worship styles' and having coffee available, there are underlying issues with real impact. The church and its leadership is often looked to as a place of moral guidance. Sticking with the status quo on moral issues, while only bringing up certain points on certain issues, simply isn't enough anymore. Many among the younger crowds are reading scripture and scratching their heads when they see Christianity tied to a certain political party, in large part thanks to the active public push by many 'evangelical' leaders. This association is seemingly accepted and expected among the older generations; a norm that has been formed due to a narrow focus on certain issues that doesn't allow for reflection and adjustment based on current realities. Meanwhile, the younger generations seem to look at the phrase of 'God and Country' and say yes to God...but to Country, not so much. These are broad generalizations that don't apply to all, but different generations tend to have different attributes for a reason. When the name of God gets tied to America, whether it's through phrases such as 'God Bless America' or 'In God We Trust', but the actions of American leaders don't seem to align with scripture, a different perspective on allegiances grows.

        Public perception of any concept, and the marketing done to affect it, has a large impact on the reality versus the ideal. In the US historically, evangelicalism has carried with it the notion that those associated with it held a moral high ground. In today's society, this has greatly changed. The evangelical label has become toxic and the continued association of the term with the church is something that I believe will continue to drive youth further away and keep them away. For better or worse, evangelicalism has the connotation of traditional, conservative, white, and the Republican party. However, in current times, the Christian faith has also become associated with racism, nativism, misogyny, lawlessness, corruption, deception, and broad overwhelming hypocrisy. This has all happened largely at the hands of evangelical leaders. It is because of this that I believe that we must actively speak out against these wrongs and separate Christianity from the evangelical label. This is not something that can simply be ignored or overlooked for the sake of gaining certain political benefits. By choosing not to address it for the sake of preventing division, we leave churchgoers to fend for themselves, left without direction from their spiritual leadership. Younger generations always look to the older ones for guidance, it's just becoming a question of where this will come from. However, even if we do publically begin to push back against the ties of the label of evangelicalism to the church and what it culturally stands for, this will not be enough. We cannot just run from this and expect to shift momentum related to declining association with Christianity towards a more positive direction. For that, we must take steps forward in addressing the challenges of today from a biblical perspective.

        When addressing current issues as a church, we must remember that social issues are not separate from spiritual issues. They are real issues that are having real impacts on the lives of many outside the walls of the church. It's not that traditional issues no longer matter, it's more that the focus must be updated to meet the needs of the up and coming generations. Taking care of God's creation as it pertains to climate change, caring for your neighbor and their needs as it pertains to health care, addressing how we handle immigrants and refugees rather than separating families and instituting an attitude of fear rather than love; these are real issues that traditional evangelicalism is currently largely shying away from. In order to address these, perspectives must be broadened and new ideas must be allowed. As has been the case many times throughout human history, the old ways of doing things simply no longer suffice. As a nation, we are becoming more diverse, and among the younger crowds, we are becoming more open and accepting of others and their ideas. We're beginning to learn that we have more to learn from those that are different from us than we have to hate about them. When we look at Jesus in the Bible, we see a man who wasn't afraid to challenge authorities, push back against established norms, and take actions that made followers become dumbfounded and openly question traditional ways. As a church, we must also reconsider some of the lingoes that we use and again consider public perceptions. Implying shame through terms such as 'broken' or 'lost' drives people away in a culture that promotes welcomeness and acceptance. While that's not asking us to shift our stances to the other extreme in an 'anything goes' manner, we must remember that the Christ explicitly boiled our instructions down to two rules: love God and love each other.

        There are major schisms being wrestled with both publically and privately in our society today. This is true within the realm of Christianity and in areas having nothing to do with religious communities. For those involved with Christianity and the church, we have to recognize the moment that we're in and actively work to learn about and address the issues of our time where God has us. To have stances on certain issues and engage with society when those arise, but to remain largely silent in other areas and complacently accept, or sometimes even support, active biblical wrongs rightfully earns the evangelical label the connotation of hypocrisy. One way or another, change is coming from younger generations that feel largely disillusioned by, beaten down by, and ultimately different from those before them. From a Christianity standpoint, these coming changes must be recognized or the church may be left behind in favor of what's shared in the Bible. This is not an 'all hope is lost' statement, rather something far from it. Large-scale changes like these have happened before in church history, even the history that has happened within the short existence of the US. But when you have youth feeling like they're talking, worshipping, praying, and studying the Bible like evangelicals, yet they're hesitant to invite outsiders and are actively questioning whether they're practicing something that isn’t even Christian at all, the warning lights cannot be ignored. So yes, the divisions will come. We will all have different ideas of what's important and how to respond, but Christ himself came not to unite us all here on this Earth, but to divide (Luke 12:51-53). And while we shouldn't actively encourage division for the sake of itself, we must be willing to address injustices as we see them. Then, we can determine what if any action we can take, and ultimately give the issues to God while studying what, if anything, He has already said on the matters at hand.

Keeping the Faith

     It seems these days that there's a lot of chaos going on. Whether it's with our current political situation, our climate changing, mass shootings becoming the norm, or any other affliction impacting our world today, there are a lot of areas we can feel helpless about. Human history has always been this strange struggle with existence, always morphing, with challenges that arise to meet the latest growth that we've accomplished. Amidst all this, there's something interesting that I've noticed. No matter how bad things get, the world keeps turning and life goes on. But we can't acknowledge that fact without giving some weight to it. It's time we looked deeper into figuring out what matters and how to keep going in a world that's seemingly always coming to an end.

     One of the most important things you can have in life, no matter what situation you're in, is perspective. It's often the smaller picture that we can become stuck on and it can be the most depressing. In today's world, this is incredibly simple to do and seems to be the norm among those who surround us. Whether it's on the sidewalks, on the roads, at our jobs, you name it. The small picture is easily obtainable and is what we crave. We're always seeking more via our unending social media scrolling and news headline consumption. It's easily digestible and allows us to feel like we're keeping on top of things. The trouble with this comes when we have only this smaller perspective without any context to anchor us. The concept of FOMO (fear of missing out) has risen in recent years, so much so that we've now had to create JOMO (joy of missing out) to combat it. You may see someone out having a great time and feel jealously, anxiety and perhaps even anger, but...is that the whole story? You can look at all that's going wrong in your life and the areas that you personally have failed but...is that your whole story? When we take a step back, look up from our devices, and engage with our thoughts and with others, we may find that the bigger picture is different from the sum of those negative smaller parts.

     Yes, the bigger picture is where we must look even though it's not where we live. When we look at the bigger picture from a historical perspective, many positive things come into view. For example, did you know that less than 10% of the world's population lives in extreme poverty today? While that's still hundreds of millions of people, did you know that it used to be 30% higher just 30 years ago? Global child mortality for those under the age of 5 was down to 4.5% in 2014, compared to approximately 34% one hundred years prior. There are many areas where if we look at the bigger picture, we see that we're continuously progressing, even when some try to maintain, or even revive, an old status quo. We must take the bigger picture and break it down into smaller pieces, but the bigger picture is where we must start.

     The biggest challenge for me in this is that, as always, what looks good on paper doesn't always work out in reality. What I mean by this is that we gain our perspective, live our lives, and create the future by interacting with other people. As much as some may wish to be, we are not alone in this world. Unfortunately, most of us have probably realized that we can't rely on other people. Our core sinful natures always come out and whether it's through a change of heart, a selfish act, or a damaging statement, others will let us down if we rely solely on them. But that's why we ultimately must stand on something more solid than others, and that something is the truth. Now, in saying this, I'm not opening the rabbit hole to the philosophical 'there is no truth', as that's a discussion for another day. I know what truth is because Christ said it in John 14:6 when he said "I am the way, and the truth, and the life." For us, this means that we must stand on Christ as the unchanging, all encompassing, beyond our comprehension truth. When the world questions what reality is and what facts are, we must fall back on the truth. It goes beyond anything we encounter in the madness of life and it is our intellectual refuge.

 

So, as life goes on and the various hits keep coming, having that perspecive that I wrote about is key. We tend to look to the past with rose-colored glasses and look to the future with a sense of uncertainty. But in the immortal words of Billy Joel, "the good ole days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems". New challenges will arise, but new joys along with them. The truth may be challenged and we may become lost in the current trends, but the bigger picture shows us that none of that is forever. In the end, it's important for us to stand strong, push forward, and keep the faith.

2017: The Year of Uncertainty

2017's Tune of the Year, taken from the incredible concept album from Ferry Corsten, this is Venera, Vee's Theme:

     Well, seems it's that time again. Time to put away the Christmas decorations, start those resolutions, and soak in a couple solid months of winter. Yes, the new year is here and with it comes joy, hope, and a fresh outlook towards the future and whatever it may hold. But first, as always, I'm going to take the time to reflect back on the year that was 2017. While there weren't as many big changes this year as there were in 2016, there were still a lot of unknowns. What direction was our country headed in and how should I respond? What direction should my career head in and what did I need to do to move it that way? Who could I trust and who would I have to realize would never change? Where should I travel, what new things should I try, and how else should I branch out? So many questions and so much happening that I was driven numb by the end of it all. But, it was because of this that 2017 was my year of uncertainty.

     The year started out in a strange way, for me as it seems it did for most of the country. Somewhere between laughing at the memes and flooding the streets in cities across the country we welcomed in a new president, who has been as advertised. I was one of countless others filling DC's streets that day after the inauguration. The metro trains bypassed stations near the center of it all and I casually walked along side John Kerry as he walked his dog. But, as I observed and internalized many times in 2017, the world kept turning and life went on.

     As the calm winter rolled by and spring came, I marked the first anniversary of my time working for US SIF in May. Through a variety of changes, I became one of the more seasoned veterans of the organization. The busiest time, as always, was in the weeks leading up to our annual conference. This year had more logistical challenges than my first time, as we hosted the event in Chicago. My greatest role for this event was the creation, deployment, and on-site support of our mobile app. This was a responsibility I gladly took on as the only millennial in the organization and I'll be taking on that challenge again this year. Getting to spend a few days in Chicago with a great group, putting on a successful conference and exploring the city where the pizza is incredible, was wonderful. I continued my role at US SIF through the year and I look forward to seeing what happens in 2018.

     My adventures in trance continued this year, as I got to attend several solid shows down in DC. The best show was in May, when the one of the founders of the trance scene, Ferry Corsten, came to DC as a part of his Blueprint album tour. Getting to meet and chat with him a bit after the show was surreal, knowing that he's been at it since I was a little kid. But, that was the only artist I got to hang out with, as Aly & Fila came to town in October and I got to say hello them them as well. It wasn't all about going to concerts however, as I continued producing my own show, For the Soul, each month. I'm excited to have a massive landmark episode 50 coming out shortly after my birthday in March. I also started to dedicate time to using all of the DJ equipment that I now have to practicing live sets. My goal is to hopefully take my DJing beyond my bedroom in 2018, but I'll have more on that in the months ahead.

Meeting Ferry Corsten, a true trance legend, for the first time

My third time going to one of their shows, hanging out with Fadi from Aly & Fila.

My biggest adventure of the year, as it has been for the last few years, was my vacation with Tyler. This time we went farther than I had ever gone before, venturing across the pond to London and Ireland. We spent the first half of the week in London, getting to enjoy the wonderful subway network that I can only dream of having in DC, visiting every castle and major landmark around the city, and saying hello to the Queen's Guard and Beefeaters along the way. Late on Tuesday, we made the hop over to Ireland, where we spent the first day seeing one Cathedral after another in Dublin while seeing yet another castle. Dublin has lots of history to see, as London does, but it was much more depressing. They even having an entire museum about all of those who have fled the country throughout Ireland's history. But then came the day I had been waiting for since I was a kid. On Thursday, we went north to Belfast, where I finally got to see where the Titanic was built over 100 years ago. The drawing rooms where she was painstakingly designed by hand, the slipway where the hull was built, and the dry dock where she was fitted out and made ready for launch is all still there and I explored it every part of it. It was humbling to stand on the same spot where thousands of workers hand built the largest moving object ever built by man, at the time. We ventured through the four story museum located at the tip of the slipway that taught me even more than I already knew about the grand ship. That day was truly a high point of my life thus far, fulfilling a childhood dream and reaching the pinnacle of my Titanic fandom. We came back to Dublin the following day and saw a few more sights before taking the long flight back home.

Seeing Big Ben for the first time

Hangin' out with one of the Queen's Guard

Out in front of the Titanic museum. The sign here is the same size as one of the hull plates on the Titanic.

The slipways where the Titanic and her sister, Olympic, were built side by side over 100 years ago.. Titanic was on the left, Olympic on the right.

Down in the dry dock where the Titanic was fitted out. The dry dock here is only 5 feet longer than the Titanic was, 887.5 ft to Titanic's 882.5 ft length.

Titanic's slipway at night time, all lit up to show the massive size of the ship that once sat in this very spot.

Titanic's drawing rooms, where every detail was carefully and thoughtfully designed by hand.

     I enjoyed a variety of other adventures throughout the year as well. I went to my first Wizards game since the days of Gilbert Arenas, and although the game wasn't all that great, at least there was a truck blimp. I gathered a group friends and went to a Nationals game, which turned out much better in terms of the score. I even went with another friend to see one of the last performances of Barnum & Bailey's circus. In August, I took a long road trip down to South Carolina to meet up with Tyler and his family to watch the solar eclipse. I have to say, watching daytime become night as if someone was turning down the lights in a theater, and feeling the temperature drop rapidly, was one of the greatest displays of the universe at work that I've ever experienced. Then, right at the start of October, I took a 3 day journey with my big brudder Matt down to Nashville to see what the music city was all about. Although it turned out that there wasn't too much to see, we had a good few days spending some one on one time together, something we hadn't done since our trip to NYC long ago. Finally, in December, I fulfilled another childhood wish by going to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra in concert. It was quite the three hour show, complete with pyrotechnics and a wonderful live version of their most famous song.

Ready for the eclipse!

An incredible sight to see!

Brudder was droppin' the beats

The Parthenon in Nashville

     Despite all of this, this year wasn't all fun times and keeping sane with the madness of the world going on around me. Back in March, shortly before my birthday, I gave my dad a call after church to check in on a few things in St. Mary's. When he answered, he gave me news that caught me by surprise. He said he just came back from the vet where he had just taken our apparently very sick dog, Sandi. Having never had any issues and always being happy throughout her lifetime, I didn't know what to think or do. In the weeks that followed, I made it home twice and saw her there, as always. She definitely wasn't in great shape my first visit, but she was on the mend by my second trip in the middle of April. However, the next weekend, she took a turn for the worse and passed overnight in her sleep on April 25th. This hit me hard, as Sandi was an especially close family member to me. From the time we brought her home shortly after my sophomore year of high school, she and I formed a special bond. I was the main one there taking care of her and playing with her, as Kaitlin was already off to college and my dad was working all the time. There were many days when I relied on her for comfort and friendship, spending lazy summer afternoons napping with my head on her belly before chasing her around the fields. I was the only one ever able to keep up with her as we silently, yet knowingly, challenged each other to see which of us would tire out first. From high school graduation, through college, and through my first few jobs out of school, she was always around for me to come home and tell my stories to. She would always sit loyally by me, staring out into the world and flopping her black-spotted tongue as I talked. But, as it does for us all, her time came and I had to say goodbye to my forever puppy-dog, a piece of my heart, and a major connection piece between me and my St. Mary's home.

My favorite picture of Sandi and me

     With a flurry of good and bad over the course of the year, 2017 really was the year of uncertainty for me. Various changes shook loose some of the attachments I had to my home land, both in regards to the farm as well as this country. Reading books and seeing others accomplishments made me continuously question my career path and what my next steps should be. Time went on and yet there's still uncertainty, but perhaps progress, as to where I may be living next. Elements of my faith and of what I believe to be core values of Christianity were shown to be not universal among other believers. I've learned that I don't need to worry as much about relating with and trying to understand and work with others, and that I need to accept that some may never change. But, being an optimist as I wrote about in an earlier blog post, I'm looking forward to the changes that will come in 2018. I'll be celebrating the 50th episode of my show with some big surprises planned, travelling somewhere new yet again, further advancing into the second half of my 20s, and hopefully getting a better grasp on what to do with my life. Remember though, as with everything, any changes you want to make happen and any hopes you have for the new year, always start with just a thought.

Are You Listening?

     In today's world, distractions are everywhere. Screens are always on, we're always on the move, and our attention is constantly pulled in every direction. With everything going on, it's important for us to be able to communicate effectively. Doing so can make or break us when it comes to our careers, our marriages, our friendships and our families. It is this skill that allows us to break through the noise and get our message across. But, the crucial part of effective communication is not actually speaking, even if it means speaking well. The key is listening.

     When one thinks about the concept of listening, it seems like a simple one. Of course I listen, you might say, I listening to people all the time. But are you honestly listening? Here's a quick check for you. If the majority of your listening includes looking at a screen, or thinking of what you'll say or do next, you're not actually listening. And the truth is, most of the time, others can tell. Although you may not be speaking, you're sending a clear message: you don't want to hear what's being shared. For the person talking to you, it's distracting to try and overcome this and it may turn them off from talking to you entirely. It may take effort to put the phone down and turn off the TV, but it makes all the difference.

     The good news is, as with any other skill, good listening can be learned and applied. To do this, we need to start with understanding what's causing our communication issues with others, in both directions. Often we can fail to listen because of our impatience and our desire to get the next word in or to jump to a conclusion. This has become more prevalent with the speed of our world today, along with us having much need to wait for anything. We may be listening to what someone is saying and assume we know what they're going to say. Or, we may hear what's said and turn it around so that the focus shifts to us rather than the other person. True listening means focusing solely on what the other person is saying. It’s about understanding, not rebuttal or input. It's crucial to avoid taking control of a conversation and telling someone what to do or labeling them with a quick fix remedy. Once we recognize the flaws we have in how we listen to others and respond, we can work towards improvement.

     There are of course verbal aspects to listening as well, beyond receiving the words that someone else is saying to you. The purpose of verbal communication on the listener's end is to show through your words that you've understood what's been said. This involves identifying the feeling and thought content of what's being shared and reflecting that back to the speaker. It's through this that we show that we're engaged in actively listening and that we care. This kind of listening opens the other person up to sharing more and allows the communication to flow naturally. If our verbal responses only include the occasional 'mmhmm' and asking the speaker to repeat themselves, we'll soon find that the other person doesn't have much more to say.

     Listening is key in all aspects of our lives. It is through listening that we learn from others, we understand those beyond our self, and we change our world for the better. Many conflicts can be avoided, and better results created, through the act of effective listening. With the holidays fast approaching and interactions coming with family and friends from all walks of life, we'd be better off if we listened before speaking. It takes effort to do this in our daily lives. But, it's through this effort that we can show a genuine interest in others by actively listening to what they have to say. We may discover something new, feel more satisfied, and have a better life because of it.